Okay, I can’t go any further with this. I can hardly believe I got this far. It’s a tribute to your so-called free press that I haven’t been exposed already, but I just can’t keep a straight face anymore.
First, let’s dispense with the whole running-for- president thing. Is it plausible that a landlord with no experience in or interest in public administration should have a shot at the White House? How many serious political figures do you know who go around insulting people? Do you think I don’t know that a minuscule portion of the electorate actually voted for me in the primaries? Idiot Democrats and news editors might worry that I could actually be elected,but I don’t. I didn’t get in this to win, but to prove a point.
America got tested fifteen years ago when you were instructed to believe that three steel skyscrapers in New York, with people inside, collapsed into their own cellars because airplanes crashed into two of them. You passed the test, which was an effort to discover whether there’s any limit to what people can be made to believe. Nine-eleven proved there isn’t. My candidacy, a hoax from the outset, confirms the initial findings.
You were told that I “swept” primary elections in which twice as many people voted against me as voted for me. Hours and hours of press coverage were devoted to speeches in which I said nothing. My appeal was hardly distinguishable from that of the fictitious character portrayed by Stephen Colbert. In fact, I’d been playing a TV celebrity for years, but calling my program a reality show didn’t make that person real. Still, nobody seems to have caught on.
“How,” you ask, “could anybody have taken it seriously?” Here’s the secret: Put out a good buffet along with your press releases. If news-consumers ever discovered the power of free food in news reporting, they would be shocked. A pile of shrimp can lend an air of credibility to a press event that no policy guidance or pie chart can rival. The reporters knew that the character I’d created wasn’t real, but to acknowledge that would have meant getting off the campaign bus and missing out on a lot of fun and free food.
“Why,” you ask, “would you make a hoax of a presidential election?” As I said, there was fun and there was free food. My rallies were rollicking. Even the protesters enjoyed them. I gave social justice advocates a focus for dissent. And my supporters are people who don’t get a lot of fun out of life from one day to the next. They’re not bigots, but they are frustrated and dissatisfied, and they crave scapegoats, like everybody else. If it wasn’t immigrants, it would be Putin or Castro or Assad, Democrats’ favorite targets.
Contrary to reports, I didn’t do this to get Clinton elected. Even so, my candidacy does more for her prospects than any other factor. Her entire campaign is about me, or at least about the character I play. And it doesn’t hurt for her to have an opponent who is determined to lose the election. Does anybody believe that I would have conducted myself as I have if I really wanted to win? I hold the unfavorability ratings record for major party nominees, and I earn that every day.
“What,” you ask, “should we do now?” If you’re a Republican, you should hike up your trunks because you’re about to take a dive. I challenged you months ago with the announcement that if I shot somebody on the street, you would stick with me. Hard to believe you never held me accountable for that or for my fond acquaintance with the Clintons or even for the pictures you all saw of your possible future first lady with nothing on. As a hoax, it was all pretty transparent, but you Republicans never caught on.
If you’re not a Republican, you’re going to elect one anyway, because that’s what the Clintons are: Republicans. They bomb and starve selected enemies, extend credit to loyal adherents and lavish government advantages on their financial supporters. It doesn’t get more Republican than that.
This is not an apology, and I’m not withdrawing as the nominee, just letting you in on an open secret: I’m not serious, as you should have guessed. To stay in touch with my candidacy, you had to ignore important events all over this planet, and you did, supporters, opponents and newsmen alike. You deserve what’s coming next. If I could fire you as citizens, I would.